Evan Symons Growing Up
1963: Born April 11 @ 11:05 p.m.
I breathed the membranes of my umbilical cord and spent 2 weeks in an incubator
in Kamloops, BC. Moved to Courtenay in May, and on to Prince George in
1966: My grandfather R.D.
Symons, a western fiction writer and artist visits our newly built
home with his second wife Hope who pulls me round and round in circles
in my wheel barrow in the basement. My sister Sylvia is born on June 6,
just like Damian in the Omen movie. Punched my uncle Jack in the nose and
made it bleed.
1968: Some big goof lobs a beer
can and hits me in the head. I get to brag to everyone that "I cracked
my head open and had to get stitches". Got stung by a bee in the ear while
getting the mail for my mom. Went on a three week holiday with my mom and
dad in a blue chev pickup with a home made canopy. I slept on the front
seat and my sister, mom and dad slept in the back. My dad dove from the
highest diving board at the beach. His cowboy hat blow off out the window
of the truck and landed in the river. He stopped the truck, and swam like
a madman to get it. When he finally reached the hat, he realized that the
river was shallow and he could have walked.
1969: My friend Craig and I cut
our fingers up playing with razor blades in school. Craig gets some really
great bandages and sings "fatty and skinny went to town" using his fingers
1970: My future friend Dave Ross
beats me up in a fight during lunch in grade one. Once we were back in
class, I slugged him in the back. Another future best friend Brian Halverson
went to fink on me and got a detention. Won an A patch like an assistant
captain badge for Academic achievement.. Some day I'll sew it on my jean
jacket. My mom and dad get divorced. Mom gets a new boyfriend named Bruce.
Grade One Class Photo
1971: Our septic tank backs up in
the middle of the winter, so Bruce builds an outhouse which we use until
spring when we can dig up the septic tank. My mom still has a picture of
him grinning sitting on the "throne" with snow all around.
1972: My first singing appearance
in Grade 3 performing "Oh Susanna" solo accompanied by Mrs. Hansen. We
had rehearsed it with her playing the last line as an intro, which she
forgot and I gave her shit. I treat my hired help well.
1973: Another future friend Tom
Wiley informs me that I cannot walk on the road to my babysitter's after
school because it is "his" road. I win the student of the year award. What
a suckass. In the next school year, won the lead singing role in the Christmas
Worm's Surprise . My mom made me a green worm
suit. I think Devo sings about the same worm in the song "wiggly worm".
1974: Dave Ross moves back to town
from Dawson Creek, and we begin to torment Chryl Miller about Chucky Vigar
who she may have kissed, but we weren't sure. Dave had read Playboy and
knew everything. Dave's comic strips were excellent especially Chucky's
boner. Started playing clarinet.
1975: My busy working mom finally
makes it to one of my soccer games and I score three goals. (Never scored
a goal before). I buy my first record (Sargeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts
Club Band) At school camp I hassle the girls to play something good like
"Band on the Run" and they say "This is Band on the Run". Richard Halverson
rubbed my ears and pulled my hair and yelled "long ears short hair" at
least once a day (he sat behind me) in school. Played "One Tin Soldier"
and "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" in church on clarinet.
1976: Get nicknamed square boy after
a commercial for a candy bar that had a similar shape to my short haircut
head. I buy Led Zeppelin Presence on June 30, the day after the last day
of grade seven. Had my first girlfriend Myrna in grade 8. Got as far as
walking around the school holding hands hoping no one saw my boner. Mexican
was the pot that you could buy - $20.00 an ounce.
1977: Got totally drunk on the last
day of school with Steve Horvath. Passed out in a ditch and in the can
of a restaurant. Kicked snow in a guys face while a girl was play fighting
with him in the snow. He asked me for a fight. I thought he just meant
a play fight until he punched me in the face four times. Bought my first
King Crimson record. Kinda went over my head. Got to go to Langley on a
school band trip. Started playing guitar. Gold Columbian was the pot of
choice - $25.00 a quarter ounce. Old fashioned mexican was called "commercial".
1978: Started siphoning booze out
of Bruce's (stepfather) texas mickey on a regular basis. He kept filling
it up anyway. He finally said something when my mom accused him of drinking
too much with his buddy. He thought I stole 2 - 26's when I only stole
3/4 of a 26 (that time). Brian Halverson who also stole from his dad would
pool his booze with me and we'd mix it with orange juice behind our old
elementary school and then walk to Terry's cafe and drink coffee and smoke.
Passed out in the can a few times. Marvin Jack handed me a bottle of tequila
at a school dance and said "let's see if you can take ten gulps." I did
and went in and danced with the cute girl I liked and then blacked out
until I woke up in someone's truck on the side of the road. (It was about
20 below zero.) Walked home 3 miles. Mom was mad. Had a wicked hangover.
Bought a fender champ and a Taro Les Paul copy.
1979: Learned how to con adults into buying us beer at the liquor store every Friday and Saturday night. Ate a worm for $5.00 and made Mrs. Myatovic sick. Bought my Roland Jazz Chorus 160 for $700.00. Turned it up to ten on a regular basis - awesome feedback. Impressed all my friends. Got beat up again by the same guy as in 1977 - he by grabbed my hair and slammed my face into the rocks. My friend Steve Horvath made 10 hand coloured posters of me as a blockhead with curly locks on the top that were captioned "You Don't Want A Man In Office, Vote Square Boy Evan" It was student election time and I wasn't even running.
1980: Greg and Drew and I bought
two 26's of Southern Comfort and a half ounce of pot and went cruising
up Old Summit Lake road. Pulled over and passed the bottle around for an
hour. Some guy drives by and says "Hey you need a pull out of there". Greg
says "no were okay, were just getting drunk". Later on we get out and realize
that the passenger side has sunk 6 inches into the mud, but because it
happened so gradually we didn't notice. Got some guy with a winch to pull
us out. Lost my virginity to Brian Halverson's big sister Gail who is now
a grandmother. Bought a fender strat.
1981: Graduated from high school a semester early. Get a job with BC Rail. Bought my Ibanez acoustic off of Darcy (Darc-hole) and took it to Pemberton where I lived in a tent for a month. Woke up every morning to slugs on the tent. Cool. Bought my first car - a 1968 valiant with 140,000 miles on it. First night out drinkin and drivin', end up a Jumbo's for chinese food. Thought I had money. Sent my friends in to order. Couldn't find the money. Get in and the foods on the table. Try to dine and dash, but back my car into the deep ditch. Drew's mom comes and rescues us and pays the bill.
1982: Met my girlfriend Vicky who was 5 inches taller than me with long blond hair yum. Smashed her ACDC record at one of her parties. Think it was "Got Blood If You Want It" Not a popular move - but ACDC sucked and Captain Beefheart ruled. Discover the joys of cheap gallon jugs of wine on inner tubes floating down the Salmon River.